All About Food

As promised, I'm going to list some of my biggest trigger foods. The impetus for doing this is not only the fact that I talked about it last night in my post, but I also had a showdown with a trigger food earlier today. (I lost - Food 1, Sarah 0). More on that after the list.

Sarah's Trigger Foods:
Donuts
Pizza
Candy (every kind, but candy bars in particular)
Bread-like items made with white flour
Cereal
Cake/cupcakes
Pie
Chocolate [chips, bars, you name it]
Cookies
Potato chips
Ice cream
Snack cakes
Pasta
Cheeseburgers
Sandwiches
Mexican food in general
Indian food in general
Bagels
Cream cheese
Sour cream
Whipped cream
Butter
Salad dressing
Cheese

That's not an exhaustive list, because I remember other ones from time to time while I'm doing other things. But that's a start. What I mean by "trigger food" is that I can't eat the foods listed above in moderation. I am addicted to them. I react to them differently than other people do. If you hand me a donut, something snaps in my head, and I eat it, but while I'm eating it, all I can think about is how to get more donuts. If there aren't any, eventually the feeling of searching urgency will wear off. But if there are more, I will probably eat some of them. If I am left to myself, I will eat them until I feel uncomfortably full. And then I will feel ashamed.

"Abstinence" in OA means, in part, abstaining from eating these trigger foods, which each individual must identify for him/herself. I probably could have listed off my trigger foods years ago, before the inkling to actually start a program of recovery from food addiction ever entered my mind. That's largely because these foods have triggered me for a really long time.

Today I drove to northern Indiana to spend some time with a new friend. I had eaten a Larabar for breakfast and was feeling confident that I could carry over some semblance of abstinence from last night. I guess I should interject here and say that last night, I ate my first consciously abstinent meal. Yippee!

Anyhow, I had eaten a Larabar this morning and was feeling good. I ate a chicken caesar salad from Panera for lunch, which I am aware does not fit very neatly into the "abstinence" category because it contains cheese, white bread items (a French baguette and croutons), and salad dressing. However, I was thinking on my feet and felt hungry, so I'm not going to beat myself up too much about that.

When I was driving home at about 6 pm, I felt hungry and reached into my purse for the Luna bar I had brought. I ate that and drank some water, and knew that I would probably be hungry when I got home. I figured I would cross that bridge when I came to it. I went on for 50+ miles, feeling fine, and then realized I needed to stop for gas. When I went inside the convenience store thingy to use the bathroom, the candy bar aisle caught my eye. All those brightly-colored wrappers and packages were so enticing, mostly because they signified the comfort nestled inside of them. I grabbed two Fast Break bars (king size) and before I knew it, I was back on the road, eating them.

How can I describe the feeling of overeating, as it happens? It's intoxicating, I suppose, and I don't really mean that in a good way. It feels like I'm stuffing down my feelings so I can't even access them anymore. They're untouchable and that's for the best, I figure. Of course, these thoughts aren't actually going through my mind while I'm compulsively overeating, but they're clear as day when I look back on the act. It's the most painful thing I've ever done, and I do it to myself, the person I should love and cherish and care for most. This addiction is, in the words of OA literature, cunning, baffling and powerful.